The other night I was watching “Selena” on TV and, as usual, I started crying when she was shot. Jayden saw me and came over to hug me and asked why I was crying. I said “I’m sad because Selena is dead and it makes me cry.” Jayden hugged me again and went to get his “rescue hero” outfit. He came back over to me and said, “it’s okay Mommy, I’ll save Sina. I’ll save Bob Marley, too.”

So, yesterday we went to the Carijama at Mosswood Park. Danielle & Moses came over and we drove down there. The festival was in full swing so we didn’t think there’d be parking close, but I made a couple of circuits of the side streets and as I turned down 37th for the second time, a guy leading his family to the car waved us over so we could take his parking spot, bless his heart.

As always, it was a lot of fun: lots of people, lots of music, lots of culture & togetherness. First we sat in the sun on the lawn, and listened to a gospel rap group (“I’m comin down the block bumpin Jesus…got the WORD comin out my mouth…”). The sun got a little too hot, and when Jayden started crying for shade we got up and made our move. We sat down under a tree near MacArthur, right next to a drum circle. Jayden and Moses ran around chasing each other while Danielle and I sat there, smoked some cloves, and yelled at them every 40 seconds or so. We saw Malik from Real World 10, afro in full effect. He’s so cute.

We took the boys to the tot lots, which were mad mob scenes teeming with kids. By this time we’d been there for a few hours and the music, the kids, the sun, and the hard lemonade had gotten to us. It was time to go. Jayden, of course, wasn’t having it and he cried and cried as we were leaving. “I want to go back, Mommy. I’m not ready to leave!” He was just heartbroken. I was too, kinda, because I hadn’t seen Sia and Arianna. They came down from Portland for the weekend, and we hung out with them on Saturday at Eileen’s house, but I was really hoping to see them at Carijama, too. L

I'm sending big sloppy kisses Philo's way for his gift of ad-free blogging. Luvya, babee!

Did anyone out there catch Prince's show at the Paramount a few weeks ago? I'd love to read a review if you went, or if you know of any reviews online.

My brother & his wife are right now beginning their 2nd day of their European vacation. Wow! I've never been anywhere except once to Chicago, once to LA. They're going to London, Paris, Luxembourg, and Amsterdam. They're gonna have a blast.

Well, I'm glad Vecepia won Survivor. I wanted her to win because I just couldn't stand Neleh. She's the kind of girl I would've beaten up in my pre-mommy life. Plus, of course, I dig that a chick won, that she's black, and that folx kept discounting her in their little "this is my strategy" speeches, but looka here, she stayed her ass there and won that muhfuh.
V (and Sean) did a little too much thanking of Jesus and invoking His name, for my tastes. But I'm not gonna hate on someone's beliefs. She worked that whole game and I said way back (to myself, since it's been ages since I've talked to a grownup who's not my mom) "watch, V's gonna win, she's sharp and she's smart and she's playin EVERYONE on that island."
I like Survivor, obviously. I didn't watch the first one, I thought it was dumb & didn't want to get involved with some TV show. Then my friend Sia got me watching the second, and I was hooked. I missed most of the third one so I didn't bother watching any more 'cause I didn't know what was going on or who the people were. This one was good, and I'm looking forward to Survivor Thailand.
Unless, of course, I've got a boyfriend by then, or some other semblance of an interesting life to lead.

Today should be Kayla's 8th birthday. Instead it's the 8th anniversary of her death. As time goes by fewer people acknowledge her loss. Many feel I should not be still grieving now that I've got Jayden. They don't understand. They never did. Even her daddy doesn't always remember her birthday anymore. We haven't gone to her grave in a couple of years. It's so sad. And it's so difficult to name exactly the feeling that I have. Mostly, it's a lonely kind of feeling, because no one here knows I'm grieving today and I don't think I should tell anyone. No one will call me or come by today and say "how are you doing? Are you alright today?" and give me a hug. The only one who I know would've remembered is Samantha, and she's gone now too.

This is so sad. I cried this morning when I saw it on the news. I have a boy who is fascinated with construction and every time I hear of a construction site accident it scares me to death. But can someone please tell me WHAT THE FUCK were these 11 year old boys doing out playing last night - A SCHOOL NIGHT - at 9:00?! Oakland schools are still in session, it is not summer vacation, it was dark at 9:00 last night.

How am I gonna be able to handle it when Jayden gets old enough to play outside by himself? Will I have to watch over him like a hawk, until he hates me? Will I have to fashion him some clothes from bubble wrap, make him wear a hard hat wherever he goes (he might actually like that)? I know the minute I take my eyes off him, he will beeline for somewhere forbidden. That's a given - I remember my childhood, and no matter how good the kid, they WILL explore the off limits stuff.

Drivers who don't use their turn signals annoy me. Smug, selfish SUV drivers who turn their signals on after they've already started merging are even worse. Drivers who do "hollywood" stops at stop signs irritate me and have caused me grief because I now feel I cannot allow my son to walk to school, when he begins kindergarten, and I'd always said I wanted my kid to walk to school. I drive the speed limit, because I don't want tickets and because I'm a mama who gives a fuck whether or not her kid is alive to see another day. I get very upset when I'm driving the speed limit and someone tailgates me, or flashes their brights, or otherwise shows poor driving courtesy.

I am an excellent driver. I was taught to drive defensively by my daddy, a professional driver since the sixties. He also taught me to be considerate, careful, and patient. He taught me that if you observe the rules of the road closely, at all times, they can become automatic and you are then freed to enjoy the experience of being behind the wheel without ruining someone else's day. I like to drive, I feel free and in control and powerful. I love to drive to new places, see different things, take road trips.

I wish like hell my poor Cutty wasn't so fragile - it's great to have him running, but I can't do all I wish I could. Like take trips down to San Jose or Santa Cruz whenever I want. Or go up to Shasta County to visit my godbabies, who I haven't seen since their mama died.

Gotta keep workin, pluggin away, to get my bills caught up so I can get more work done on my poor car. He needs shocks so badly, if there's more folx than just me & Jayden in the car, you feel each and every pebble in the road, and poor Cutty sounds like he's comin apart.

I cannot trust my mother. Because of my recent spate of unemployment, I ended up owing Wells Fargo money and unable to get a bank account. I’m my mother’s SSI payee and a joint holder of her checking account, so I’ve been using hers. Depositing my checks, withdrawing what I need, no ATM because I can’t get one & she’s got the only one. Over the past month and a half, I’ve deposited over $1330 in unemployment and pay checks. I’ve made less than $1100 in withdrawals and checks. My mother called the bank, saw that there was money in it (MY money), and withdrew the money to get her carpet cleaner off layaway. When I went to deposit my paycheck on Friday, the account was $278 overdrawn. Which meant my entire check went up in smoke. $278 included $150 in overdraft fees for the checks I wrote, which bounced because she’d taken the money out.

Mother’s Day sucked because of that, and because Friday my mom told me Danny & Mala wanted to just barbecue at their house instead of go out. I did NOT want to go out to East Oakland, get my mom, hang out at their house, and then go all the way back out to East Oakland to take her home. And I would’ve stayed my ass at home, if my daddy didn’t come to town for a few hours yesterday. Of course I had to go get him, so of course I had to go get Mommy, so of course we had to go to Danny’s. At Jayden’s nap time. We ate burgers, beans and potato salad. They didn’t even have diet Coke. It sucked because it was not what I wanted to do and because I didn’t have any money to do what I wanted to do. I’m mad at my mom and I know if I say something she’s gonna turn it around on me somehow, deny she made the withdrawals she made, bring up money she thinks she loaned me years ago, or something.

I WORKED for that money. She gets $$ from SSI because she’s mentally ill AND my daddy gives her $600 or more a month. And she won’t even let the man live with her.

These guys are my cousins. Rahm, Ari (he's a founder of the agency in the article), and Ezekiel (growing up I knew of him as "Jon"). I'm proud of them, they are all very successful. I haven't seen any of them since I was a baby. From what my mom tells me, Rahm thought I was awfully cute.

My dad's family is full of really cool, successful people with awesome careers, perspectives, ideals, and such. I just don't really know them. We grew up out here in Oakland, and they were all, for the most part, in Chicago. Even the ones in SoCal - my cousin Ted & his family, cousin Zita & her family - were strangers to me, even though I met them in 1991 when I traveled down to LA.

None of the Smulevitzes or Brodskys have ever once visited us, except last year my cousins Tanya & Adam, and Avi (who grew up in Israel) came to visit with my brother & me at my house. Haven't heard from them since, though. Why don't we keep in touch? I'm not sure. It may have to do with the fact that we never traveled anywhere, except to my uncle Les's wedding when I was a baby.

Has anyone actually been here yet, I'm wondering?

Ever have one of those days that just seem fated to be lousy? You might, all in the course of one morning:

Have your mom lock your key in the car;

Forget your book, and have nothing to read on your breaks;

Spill coffee and kung pao chicken on your pretty taupe sweater;

Enter a buncha stuff only to remember that the database is down and none of it was saved.

Ah well, such is life (mine, anyway...)

Well folks, this is my blog. Hope you didn't have too much trouble getting here...and yes, I'm glad to be back.

Got me a job, a lil' ol' temp thang in Berkeley. Still waiting to hear from the county...still love y'all...