8/31/2002

Never - I repeat, never - fall asleep in the afternoon while your 4 1/2 year old is still up. Upon waking, you might find:

Every single tiny firefighter, construction worker and their associated tools strewn across your bed;
The entire contents of a 2.5 lb bag of shredded cheddar/jack cheese dumped on the kitchen floor and being feasted upon by the dog and cat;
Both hand-soap pump bottles - yours and his - emptied into the bathroom sink, toilet and bathtub;
Said 4 1/2 year old child wearing handfuls of curl activator gel in his hair.

And to top it all off, I somehow fell asleep when I was supposed to be getting ready to leave the house, so we missed going to Cordonices and seeing Gwen & them.

Excuse me, I have to go somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs for a while.

8/30/2002

Friday Five:

1. What's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?
A black gauzy peasant style blouse with flared sleeves and crocheted-lace trim. Because I'm trendy.

2. What piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?
The dress that doesn't exist: something longish and sparkly, that shows off my butt and not my tummy.

3. What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?
Those jeans I bought back in '95, the ones that lace up the sides. Because even though I'll never fit 'em again, damn I looked good in 'em.

4. What piece of clothing do you look your best in?
See #1. Paired with my tight black denim leggings. Rowr.

5. What has been your biggest fashion accident?
A floral-print dress that was gorgeous on the rack but looked like a muu muu on me. And I didn't realize it until after I'd paid fifty bucks for it & lost the receipt, wore it to the zoo and saw the pictures. Eek!

8/29/2002

and, so, the director at the place where I went to work today decided that I wasn't the right match for the job. the temp agency didn't tell me it was an admin assistant position, which I've never done (although I know I could've done it), and they didn't tell me about the long hours that would have been required of me. but the office was the workforce investment board, and the people I was working with really dug me, and gave me some job leads, so oh well.

never got let go after only one day, though. from a real job, anyway. what a blow to my fuckin pride.

8/27/2002

<celebratory cabbage patch>The temp agency just called me, I've got an assignment starting tomorrow, at the City of Oakland, one or another of their offices, I'm not sure which. Yay me! Before the first unemployment check ever arrives, even.</celebratory cabbage patch>
#41 no longer applies.

8/24/2002

Well, of course I couldn't be anyone but:

You are Miss Piggy!
You're something of a diva, but that's only because it would be a crime to let your looks and talent go to waste. Vous ĂȘtes magnifique!

8/23/2002

Friday Five:

1. What is your current occupation? Is this what you chose to be doing at this point in your life? Why or why not?
I'm currently an unemployed mama. Most recently I was a lowly temp slave doing customer service. No, I ain't chose the shit, the shit chose me.

2. If time/talent/money were no object, what would your dream occupation be?
English teacher at Oakland Emiliano Zapata Street Academy, which would have been my alma-mater, if I'd gradjiated.

3. What did/do your parents do for a living? Has this had any influence on your career choices?
Daddy's a professional driver: 18 wheelers now, cablecars and buses when I was a kid. Mommy was a stay-at-home ubermom until I was a teenager, when she drove a cab. She's, um, retired now. Their careers didn't influence me at all, other than to convince me I don't want to drive a damn thing for a living.

4. Have you ever had to choose between having a career and having a family?
Hell yeah. I'd be working as a computer operator, production support, right now but all the jobs doin' that are at night & I just can't do that to Jayden.

5. In your opinion, what is the easiest job in the world? What is the hardest? Why?
Easiest: any kind of bureaucratic position, especially in a city/county/state/federal office doing some kind of clerical shit. Because you barely need any intellect at all.
Hardest: the same, because you have to deal with folx all day who have barely any intellect at all.
So I ditched Enetation for NetComments because Enetation kept giving me error messages and finally became indefinitely disabled. I understand the complexities & problems free services like that entail so I'm not trippin. But I wasn't able to retrieve the comments folx had left before, which sucks a lil' bit.

So tell me, is my text too small on your browser? How easy is it for you to read what I've written? I'm curious. Plus, I'm hoin' for comments right now.
Instant karma is great.

Now, I really have no love for the OPD. After your boyfriend comes home bruised & bloody from a police beating, and internal affairs gives you, at best, a run-around, you kinda lose all faith in the whole "protect and serve" thing. But - today, while driving down MacArthur, I stopped to let a pedestrian cross the street. This stretch of MacArthur is one lane, and the dudes in the Escalade behind me got all on my ass honking the horn, yelling out the window. My window was down and I gave them a dismissive wave - thinking fuck you, you want me to run somebody over? Well, they drove on my ass a few blocks, cussing at me out the window. I was going 27 in a 25 mph zone. Then as we passed a motel just before Coolidge, "WRRRROOOO" comes a patrol car out of the parking lot, and pulls the Escalade over.

Thanks, OPD. For once.

8/21/2002

I often wish I hadn't fucked around and bullshitted away my chances for a college education. I spent my 20's trippin off stupid shit and thinking I'd be straight forever 'cause I had a good job. I'm sure if I'd gotten myself some schoolin I'd actually have a career right now. I'm tired of starting over from the bottom of the heap. It sucks completely.

Tomorrow I have to drag Jayden first to the welfare office, where we've got to get food stamps started again and our Medi-Cal benefits extended. Then we have to go downtown to the Head Start office, to fill out all the paperwork & do the beginning-of-the-school-year interview & education plan thing. What sucks about this is that you have to have a letter from your employer to get your kid on a full day schedule; since I'm not working right now, he'll have to go from 9 to 3:30. This means that when I do get a job there's a mad scramble to get the letter on the first day of my new gig. What's triflin about Head Start is that they don't care if I'm working at a temp agency and need to be available at any time to work 8 to 5.

Shit, at least Head Start is out there. If I had to pay for school/childcare he'd be in the most horrible, ghetto ass daycare because that's all I'd be able to afford working these crappy jobs I've had the past coupla years. Either that, or with my mom, which is not much better. Well, it is better, but her apartment is tiny, and she lives in that same neighborhood you keep seeing on the front page of the Tribune. You know, the neighborhood where all the young black men are shooting at each other, the one with the street corner memorials on every other block. Yeah, that's where moms is at. So I don't exactly rest easy just 'cause Jayden's at Grandma's.

So, anyway, I've got all this to do tomorrow, and I'm up at 1:30 am because I can't sleep for shit. I've tried a coupla times but there's just too much in my brain right now. Some of it's cool, some of it's all fucked up. I'm still depressed, but I've had so much optimism lately that I'm not trippin off the blues all the time. Nights are still kinda bad. So I'm up and doing bullshit.

My play sister left a message on my answering machine last night. "I just wanted to let you know, if you see a big fire in San Jose on the news, and see our building, we're okay. It was the construction site behind us..." I didn't get the message until late, and I just thought good, I'm glad they're okay. Well, this afternoon I had the TV on for the first time (other than PBS kids in the am) in weeks. Turns out that was some big ass fire. The mayor of San Jose was down at the scene and holding press conferences and everything. They showed shots of Boo's apartments; the ones next to hers, I think, are the ones that burned down. The fire started at this big development under construction on like the next street over. All kinds of big SanJo mucky-mucks are involved with the project, it seems. I'm just glad Boo & my two nieces still have a home. I'm also glad she called me to tell me they were alright. She knows that if I'd seen her building on TV, all in the path of what they were calling an inferno, I'd have freaked the fuck out.

Sigh. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I've been feeling that way quite a bit lately. Once upon a time I would've been cool with that, with the calorie count going down and shit. But now that I have diabetes I'm not supposed to skip meals, and especially while taking the glucose-lowering medication. There are various reasons I'm not eating, and some of them are really stupid. Like, the kitchen is all fucked up and I'm lazy and I just don't want to deal with it, so I buy stuff that doesn't require much in the way of preparation or cooking. And since it's more expensive to eat that way, I don't really have enough money to feed both me & Jayden. At least he's eating more veggies lately, all I have to do is put some frozen broccoli in the 'wave, hook him up some tuna, and it's all good. And, I do cook shit he likes on the weekends, like spaghetti or enchiladas or something, and just nuke it during the week. Breakfast is easy; eggs in the microwave, waffles in the toaster, a banana or apple and some milk. Me, I have an egg and toast every morning. Haven't even had coffee in a while 'cause I'm too through to even clean out the damn coffee maker.

Well.

My favorite Peter Tosh songs are Til Your Well Runs Dry and No Sympathy.

I was all juiced about the new puter, and then when I tried to install The Sims it didn't work. Read all the little "read me" documents and found some IP thing which told me that my system has a speed of 224 and it needs 233 to run the damn thing. Gah.

The blog meetup thing is tomorrow evening, and according to the site it looks like there will only be four or five people there. I know folx got other commitments, gotta work, make dinner for the kiddos, stuff like that. But me & Gwen will be there, and some other people I've never met...so come on through if you can. I've even gotten my mom to almost promise to babysit.

8/19/2002

Jayden is wearing his Pooh pajama sleeper, one rainboot and one Spiderman slipper, his construction worker toolbelt, and a hard hat. He just came in my room and said "mama, we have to go to the bakery today, c'mon! The bakery people are selling all the things people like to eat, we have to go there, quick!"

8/18/2002

My girl M* gave me her mom's old PC yesterday. It's only like 4 years old, compared to the 7 years mine had on it. It's got mas memory, too. I'm completely stoked. Been downloading shit I needed & couldn't get on the old puter, transfering all my words & pix, installing programs. Listening to The Definition of Funk CD w/ the phones on. Right now: track 12, Snapshot by Slave.

Jayden's swim lessons are going, well, swimmingly. He's a natural. A lil' polliwog. He gets reinforcement after the 20 minute lessons, via family swim with grandma (I can't afford a membership, plus I ain't about to get my big ass in nobody's swimsuit). He can jump in the water, provided someone catches him. He puts his whole head underwater, and can float with support. He's working on the kicking thing; he doesn't quite get how to keep his legs up & straight.
I watch him through the big window over the pool, in the lobby. He's so into what he's doing, grinning the whole time. My mom has a ball, too. She gets some awesome one-on-one time with Jayden without the usual whiny and hyper behavior she has to deal with; and the extra exercise is cool for her.

Much of last year, and earlier this year, my mom had some scary hospitalizations and she'd been sick & weak much of the time. She hasn't gardened in over a year, which if you know my mom is quite serious. We definitely miss her lavender and sage.
She got herself a senior scholarship to the Y and has been swimming for a coupla months now. This week she began Fit Links, which is some sort of coached program. She's got more energy now than in years, and she's happier more often. She walks her dogs several times a week (poor Patch & Blaze weren't getting out much). It's awesome and I love to see her so healthy. Yay Mommy!

*M=marvelous mensa-member mama

8/16/2002

Body image. Mine is kind of awful. You know, it's such a huge part of being a woman. No matter what you teach your kids. When I was little, my mom wouldn't get me Barbies and she worked hard to keep showing me beauty in all shapes & sizes. Yet at the same time she'd always talk so negatively about her own looks. To this day she won't tell me what she weighs. She's never told me. I guess it's how I thought I should see myself, with a viciously critical eye.

I'm tall, with blue eyes, hair usually some shade of blonde. I had some redheaded years in the 90's. I've been called gorgeous. Beautiful. And the opposite, too. It's a trip, because I used to be a conceited bitch - and then became so self critical I ended up hating myself & hurting my own body. My weight was somewhere around 140 through the 80's, went from 150 to 300+ over the next decade. I went from thick to ick and I been hella fat for 5 years now. Since 8/31/01 I've lost over 80 lbs, and I think I've gained about 20 of that back. Mostly because of this recent rash of ill habits.

See, I've been doggin my own self out. Like I and I ain't even folx. Used & abused my temple and it took medical emergencies to get me to wake up and do some damn thing about it. And lately I've been hurting me again, but I think I'm seein what I'm doin from a healthier perspective. It's a trip. I feel hella optimistic about dealin with it all though, which is so where I need to be. To start. I'm loving me again, and it feels so good.

Don't get it twisted. Fat people are beautiful. We really are. We are so much more than the sum of our ample parts. A good deal of us have some shitty issues, and who wouldn't when people, words, images, are always reminding us of how horrible being fat is. It's really not that bad. Yeah, we need to get fit. We should take care of ourselves, always. But we can't keep comparing ourselves to fitness models and video chicks and Gwyneth freaking Paltrow. I know you know a beautiful fat person. We all do. They're the ones we need to look to for inspiration. Look to me, let me inspire you. And I'll be inspired by your beauty, too. I love me these days. Cause I'm beautiful. And you are beautiful, too.

When I got home last nite I got busy. Cleaning house. Bout time. I was high, feelin good. Turned on 98.1 and Watching You was on. I jammed for a minute. I miss dancing. Then I just cleaned, blogged, cleaned, danced, and listened to the old school all nite. I heard Fire and Desire, Shining Star, Forever Mine, Close the Door, No Parking on the Dance Floor, Sexual Healing, Yearning for your Love, Don't Disturb this Groove, and hella other old school jams & some newer shit. Discussed thangs on IM with various folx, got this link from George. Topical as all hell. For the record (heh!), I really like "Grindin". But I wouldn't let Jayden learn that shit.

Now I'm listening to George Clinton & the P-Funk All Stars on Tom Joyner. I couldn't have picked a better night/morning for my cleaning marathon. Folx were up 2 chat with, old school/P-Funk on the radio. I cleaned up all around the puter & my bed and I'm done blogging, gotta go clean Jayden's bathroom.


barcode via Gwen
runzwitszizzors: I am sending you the most fucked upest shitty ass article
Starsudini: k
runzwitszizzors: this asshole should die
Starsudini: finna read it now
runzwitszizzors: k
(article)
Starsudini: let's give his ass
Starsudini: a cheeseburger enema
runzwitszizzors: no shit
runzwitszizzors: isnt that the most dirty shit
Starsudini: Oh, he'll shit all right
Cleaning and blogging. Blogging and cleaning.

I was at a friend's this evening, and got lit. Saw a really funny movie that I'd assumed I would never watch. Laughed a lot. He asked me out. He thinks I'm pretty. Heh. Cue Natalie Wood 'cause I feel pretty.
If you read the previous post, and went to the link, and read the lyric, I'd just like to add Ray "Scarface" Spencer to that RIP shout. He was a sweet ass thug and I really miss him. I still have a letter he wrote me from Santa Rita. I didn't even know he had been killed until I read an RIP in the liner notes of my Cellblock Compilation tape.
Hmm. I actually feel like I have a social life these days.

I'd forgotten how nice that feels.

Friends, neighbors, people are nice. I like people. Why was I away from people for so long? And some of 'em are my peoples. My weeples.

8/14/2002

Damn, those eyes. Those eyes got me goin. When he looks at me I just feel all shivery.

I got a delicious little back and neck massage yesterday. He gave Jayden tons of quarters to waste on the video games so he could sneak little kisses on the back of my neck.

I've got a feeling this 5 year drought will be over soon.

'Nuff said.

I got a couple calls from my ex-coworkers this morning. According to one of them, the reason I was let go was because I was doing something we weren't supposed to do. The thing is, what I was doing not only made sense, but it helped the customers (actually they're patients) immensely, and cut down on the amount of correspondence & phone calls we received, which is the reason we were so frickin backlogged and everyone calling was pissed the fuck off. I'd been doing this particular thing for about a week or so, and Friday - the day I was let go - we had a meeting and were told not to do that. The subject had never come up before. AND - no one, not once, ever said WORD ONE to me about it. Now, I'd been told by one of the regular employees that the supervisor gets jealous if she's made to look bad, and she's really stupid, and I guess it's easy to make her look bad. I'm guessing that's REALLY what it was all about. I mean, why couldn't someone had said "hey, you know you're not supposed to do that" or whatever. I didn't hear a thing, ever, about it. We weren't told not to do it, it just made sense to me and I did it, all in the name of providing exemplary customer service. Then Friday at the meeting: "don't do it", and then BAM I'm let go Friday afternoon. What bullshit.

Anyway...so he said everyone (there's like 20 temps in the office) is pissed off about what happened. He also said they're gonna give me a cut of the lotto pool if they hit :)

My coworkers were so cool, I'm really gonna miss them. Too bad it's a fucked up ass, shabbily-run place supervised by idiots. I hope everyone there finds a great job (we were all going on interviews all the time) and doesn't have to put up with the stupidity for too long.

*********

Jayden & I had dinner over at Gwen's yesterday. No, I can't tell you why I haven't seen or spoken to the girl in eight years, and she's still living in the same place. But I'm glad we found each other again and it's so cool to see her daughter almost all grown up. Jayden of course loves her daughter, he has a thing for older women. But I have a feeling she thinks much less highly of him, since he almost killed the cat and generally acted like a little heathen all night. He did go to the park with "the girl" and "honeyboy" (heh!), and later played Sonic and actually figured out how to make him move.

Me & Gwen caught up and chit chatted and we're gonna hang out tomorrow, too. I sure did miss that girl & there's something incredibly, I guess, right about hooking up with old friends again.

8/12/2002

If your nails are too thin & bendy, and peel a lot, find yourself an Avon lady and order the Strong Results nail stuff and the Liquid Silk Wrap. Ignore the directions on the Strong Results and use it every spare minute you have for like four or five days. Then put on the Liquid Silk Wrap. You will thank me, you will.
We hung out at Living Nappy's yesterday. She's a great host and we had a blast. It was nice to chill with the grown folx and have room for the kids to play. Her kids are just as awesome as you might think from reading her blog, and her big blue house is oh, so comfortable. Just exactly what you might mean when you think of "home".

She's a damn good cook, too.

8/11/2002

I ran into my old friend's little sister yesterday. She's 25, taking multimedia at the Art Institute. She's doing really well, as I always knew she would. She always had a whole hell of a lotta sense.

Too bad her big sister don't.

It was just too, too sad what C told me about my girl S. I haven't seen her or talked to her in a few years, and the last few times we'd talked she was going on about writing songs, rapping, going to the studio with some guy she'd met. She's not a very bright girl, and she always called me up to ask questions about stupid shit. She hasn't had an easy life, and she's made choices that have made it even harder. But what I can't forgive her for is the way she has treated her daughter since she was a baby.

She never bought that girl a book. She treated her, at best, with indifference. Taught her nothing. No ABC's, no body part names, no manners. Only really spoke to her when she did something wrong/bad - usually just trying to get attention. The girl had problems at school from the start. She is obviously emotionally disturbed and in need of special education, but S was too busy clubbing and hooking up with men to bother pursuing anything concerning her daughter.

Yesterday, C told me that S disappeared a year ago and no one knows where she is. Their mom, a woman with her own set of fucked up ass problems, and C are sharing the care of the little girl, now 10. The girl's dad lives in another state, I think, and C told me they're trying to get him to take custody. He's willing to do the work it'll take to get her where she needs to be. S didn't even call on her daughter's birthday. I'm so, so angry. One of the reasons I tapered off my friendship with S is the way she completely ignored her daughter. Her priorities were not only fucked up, they were nonexistent. Instead of buying books or taking her daughter to counseling she saved up her $$ to go to Jamaica like two years in a row. Without her kid. With a man. She brought a questionable man in to live in the teeny tiny one bedroom apartment she shared with her daughter AND her mother. Her daughter is incredibly beautiful, and doesn't know any damn thing because her mother didn't teach her any damn thing. And she has a life time of problems ahead of her because of the NEGLECT and INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR that S subjected her to. I have shed tears over that baby in the past but S never would hear anything from anyone. And now she is gone, and other people have to deal with the issues this little girl has, and I'm pissed as fuck at her. What fucking right does she have to bring this person into the world and not equip her to BE a person?! And then abandon her completely?!

Gah. I'm so fucking through.

It was good to see C, though, and we will definitely be hooking up. She's been living in my neighborhood like the whole time I have and we're just now running into each other. I'm glad she's doing well, but then she'd always been the one to rise up above the bullshit, and see the shit around her with amazing clarity. A precocious little thing when I met her at 8, she was wise and sensible (but had her silly ass moments) at 18. Now she's got goals, she's meeting them, and I'm proud of her.

But damn, S. If I ever see your ass again, I'm cussing you out on the spot. You wrong, you know you wrong.
My girl Danielle called me yesterday morning. She's got all kinds of drama her own self. We commiserated for a while and when I told her I was going to the library to update my resume, she said she was going into her office so I should come through & do it there. I met her at her office - she's an account supervisor at a black-owned advertising agency and I fell in lust with the place. Art! African American art! Everywhere! It's just gorgeous. Her son Moses, who's like Jayden's best friend, was there and I helped entertain him while D finished up her work. We made plans to meet back up after she'd dropped Moses off with his dad. Then I went to the Y where my mom had taken Jayden for his swim lesson. Jayden had spent the night at her place, and I'd called her at like 8 o'clock to tell her about getting laid off. By the time I'd talked to D they had already left. So I hoped to catch them at the Y to ask her to keep Jayden for a little while so D & I could chill sans kids for an hour or two. They'd already left by the time I got there.

I went home, and a while later my mom showed up. She wasn't going for any more time with Jayden - they'd had fun, Jayden was being really good, but it was hot and she was tired and after our phone conversation earlier she'd been in the dropping-him-off-at-home mode. Then, when I called Danielle, turned out Moses' daddy was stuck in traffic in the city, so the boyz were with us both after all. What in the world could we do now? Why, go to Lake Anza, of course!

We only planned to hang out on the lawn, not actually go inside to the beach, since it was late and we'd be damned if we were gonna pay at 5 o'clock. D & I sat on the grass while Jayden & Moses ran around. I put together two little styrofoam glider planes and they played with those for awhile. They had a plastic ball & bat, and frisbees to play with too. Jayden and Moses get really excited about seeing each other, and talk about how they want to hang out, and then when they get together, they fight and argue. Boys.

They had fun, though. So did we. D had a lil bit of chronic and we both had Djarums. We sat on the grass & smoked & talked about our crazy drama. Moses' dad showed up and suggested we go into the beach. By this time they weren't charging admission so we went on in & settled on the grass above the small beach. He was tired from his traffic ordeal and took Moses into the water. Jayden wanted to go too, so I explained the rules and sent him off after them. Moses' daddy is a cool guy who always includes Jayden in his & Moses' games and they splashed & played in the water for a bit. Jayden came out first, shivering. I stripped him down and wrapped him up in the towel Danielle had brought and gave him warm Mama dryin-off hugz. I was glad I'd thought to take his underpants off & send him in the water in just his shorts, 'cause I hadn't brought a change of clothes.

Moses & his dad got out the water, and after he got his own warm Mama hugz, Moses joined Jayden in the sand. There were some plastic boats someone had left on the beach, and they played with those and dug in the sand and argued. They had a lot of fun. Then Moses and his dad were doing some capoeira moves and Moses was standing on his dad's palms, and being lifted into the air. He's a little clown and as soon as he saw some people on the beach watching him, he started waving his arms and saying "whooooaaa whoooooaaa!" all comically. Jayden wanted to do it too, and he did pretty good. He even stood all the way up for about 3 seconds.

We left at almost 8 o'clock. The fog was rolling in over the bay, bringing relief at last to our heat wave (Bay Area heat wave: 85+ degrees for more than one day. Yes, we are spoiled here). Jayden fell asleep in the car, and I drove around my neighborhood, down closer to the lake, and up into Piedmont, writing down numbers & addresses wherever I saw an apartment-for-rent sign. My girl needs a place really soon & I got six numbers for her to call. I have an ulterior motive, of course...I want them to live in our neighborhood again!

It was fun, calming, grounding to hang out with D & the boyz just chilling. Hanging out at Tilden helps put things in perspective...shit is fucked, shit is crazy, but just over the hill there's paradise, nothing but trees and water and fun stuff to do.

Today, we're going to go chill with A and her kidz at their house. What would I do without other mamas? I'm blessed. I ain't got a job, broke busted & disgusted, but so what. Life's still good.

8/10/2002

It's 6:15 a.m. here. The job I've been working at for 4 months offered Saturday work today, and I jumped at the chance to make some time & a half. I got up about 30 minutes ago to get ready for work, and remembered I hadn't checked my messages last night. The one message on there was from the temp agency: "your job at (shabbily run state of CA accounting office) has ended. Don't report for work tomorrow or Monday. Please call me to discuss this".

What the fuck?!

Why? Is it because I'm often late 5 or 10 minutes? Is it because the state has no budget and is threatening to pay its (regular) employees minimum wage? Is it because my idiot of a supervisor doesn't like the way I propose/challenge things in meetings? Because just exactly what the fuck why?!

Shit. And I didn't fill out my CA-7 report last month, which is the form you have to fill out for food stamps telling the county all your business and how much money you get. I haven't gotten food stamps for 2 months now because I was making too much money, so I didn't even bother to fill the damn thing out. Now I'm gonna have to go stand in line and do the whole humiliating, nerve-racking process all the fuck over again.

Hopefully the temp agency has another assignment available Monday.

Fuck fuck fuck.

8/06/2002

8/04/2002

yes, it's true. I am a blogsnob.
possibly interesting:
That little blogchalk icon, at the bottom of the table on the left, actually looks like me.
I've been cleaning up my computer (as opposed to cleaning up my house, which is what I should have been doing). Reclaimed over 450mb. May not seem like much to you, but I was working on 310mb out of 1.9gb and things are quicker...still slooooooooooow but maybe not slow as hell...

TO DO LIST:
1. get job
2. get man
3. get surgery
4. get computer
5. get real

8/03/2002

We're sick. We both stayed home yesterday, resting. Jayden didn't go to swim class today. If he's doing better tomorrow I'll let him do family swim with his grandma.


He's been driving me crazy. In line at the bank, he's loud and disruptive. It's embarrassing. He doesn't listen to me half the time. At home it's a little better, but yesterday when I was really sick, my head pounding and my chest all wheezy, he whined and complained about every single thing all day and I didn't get a bit of rest. I tried to sit him in front of the TV to watch Yellow Submarine, his current favorite. I went in my room and laid down. Ten minutes later he was standing next to my bed.
"Mommy..."
"What Jayden?"
(whining) "I want something to eat"
"Eat your lunch" (tuna salad and carrots)
"I don't want it"
"Well you ain't getting anything else to eat"
"Mooommmy I don't waaaaaant it" (starting to cry now)
"Jayden go eat your food"
"Noooooooo" (throws himself down on my bed, arms and legs flailing, crying and screaming)
I got up, dragged him into the living room, and told him to eat his food, watch the movie, or go take a nap. He didn't want to sit down, anything. Just whined and cried "mooooooommmmmmyyyyyyyy" over and over. I gave him hugs but it didn't help. At this point, if there was anything else to feed him I'dve given it to him. As it was, I went into my room and laid back down, a pillow over my head. Eventually he stopped screaming and settled down. Thirty minutes later, it started all over again.