Five Years Ago

Jayden will be five years old on December 11. Here is my pregnancy journal for October 1997, which I transcribed onto Jayden's website in 1998. I haven't updated his site in a long time because whenever I open Geocities the pop-up ads make my computer crash. Also, many of the links no longer work, and I don't feel like tracking down new ones, so my apologies for any broken links.

October 1, 1997

The baby is a boy!!! It's very obvious. On the last ultrasound, he had his knees drawn up to his chest and there was his penis, clear as day!!! Wow.

October 8, 1997

I picked out a name: Jayden Tivon Smulevitz. Jayden is from JADON, which is Hebrew for "God has heard"; I'm going to spell it phonetically to make it easier on the kid. Tivon is Hebrew for "nature lover" (just a coincidence that they're both Hebrew names, but Daddy should be proud).
I went to the doctor yesterday for another ultrasound. They found a small area in his chest where he is retaining fluid. This means that the anemia caused by the Rh disease has started. My antibody is attacking his red blood cells. I have an amnio scheduled for the 13th, the day before my 30th birthday. The doctor said fluid retention like this in larger areas can lead to stillbirth.

October 13, 1997

I had the amnio today. My cousin Amy came down from Monterey to hold my hand. The procedure is MAJOR YUCKY and afterwards I was cramping and it hurt to move quickly. Luckily today is Native American Slaughter and Enslavement Day (Columbus Day) and I had the day off with pay. I'm resting and not lifting a finger for as long as I can get away with it.

October 14, 1997

Went to Benihana for my birthday, with Mommy and Danny and Danny's girlfriend Mala. I've been calling Mala "Auntie", I really like her and would be proud to have my son claim her as an Aunt, even if she wasn't with my brother!! But I'm glad they're together, they seem really happy. I'd never been to Benihana, and boy is it an Experience!! I'm so stuffed, Jayden is kicking the mess out of me for the first time!! I guess all that food crowded him and made him wake up and be noticed. It's a beautiful feeling, indigestion and all!!

October 20, 1997

I have to go back on the 27th for another amnio. This time I have to take off work, because I know I won't feel like going afterward. I'm really scared and I don't know how to handle this, it's so hard to stay upbeat and not stress. I cry almost every day, sometimes about little stuff but it all comes down to I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT. I don't want to bury another child. I think it would crush my soul.

October 28, 1997

I had the 2nd amnio yesterday. Mommy went with me to hold my hand. It's just awful. They stick a long needle in your abdomen to draw out amniotic fluid. It stings, then it cramps. I can feel the fluid being drawn out. It sucks. Afterwards I always cramp for a while, and feel lousy. I move real slow the rest of the day.
I think they're checking the level of the baby'sbilirubin. It will tell the doctors whether to have me come back for an amnio in two weeks, one in one week, or to start the in utero blood transfusions. I'm praying for an amnio in two weeks. I hate the things, but it's better than the transfusion.

September 29, 2002

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oakland High

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I


My first day of high school was actually the fourth day of school. There was a group of us late enrollees, and some parents, gathered in the theater for orientation. We were given schedules and xeroxed maps to find our way around Oakland High. A light-skinned girl with a curl plopped down in the seat beside me. "Hi" she said. "I'm Casey."
"I'm Mandy."
"What school you come from?"
"Um, I went to McChesney in 7th and 8th, but I was in San Jose last year."

Casey'd gone to Roosevelt. She pointed out people she knew in the theater, and I did too. She saw two friends of hers and called them over. They were Angie and Deninge. Angie was loud like Casey, and Deninge was cute and demure, but had a loud laugh. We all compared our schedules to see which classes we shared, and when the assembled students were sent to the school cashier to get locker assignments, we all went over there together. In the line ahead of us was a girl who was looking kind of lost. She looked like she needed someone to talk to. I asked her her name. She was Jeanne, and she'd just moved to Oakland from Palo Alto. She didn't know anyone at Oakland High and she was dressed a lot more conservatively than we were. She was really nice. We compared our schedules with Jeanne's and when we got our lockers they were all next to each other.

That day I discovered that Angie, Casey, and Deninge all knew Eric, who'd gone to McChesney with me. And I also discovered that from kindergarten to second grade we'd all been at Manzanita Elementary together; Angie and I had even had the same kindergarten teacher, but her class was in the afternoon and mine was in the morning.

They all introduced me & Jeanne to Jessie, who was hanging out with Eric. Eric and Jessie are gay, and the atmosphere at OHS was pretty accepting. They were both out and nobody really tripped off it. There were a lot of gay kids at school. Eric looks kind of Princey, and of course we were all insane about Prince, and Eric looked so cute in his Rude Boy tee shirt.

We had lunch together that first day, and as the school year went on we spent most of our lunches and breaks together. None of our families had much money, and sometimes we were short lunch money or whatever. We all looked out for each other, feeding whoever didn't have a lunch that day or treating someone to a snack. Some of us had jobs. I babysat several nights a week to get spending money.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

II

From the first month of school, we were cutting classes. Turned out everyone except Jeanne and Casey smoked weed, so when we could get five bucks together we'd go buy a nickel bag - which in 1982 would make five fat joints.

Casey didn't need to smoke weed. She was goofy as hell. Me and Angie were, too, but Casey was a damn fool. She had a joke a minute and loved to mess with people. Whenever we were walking down the street we could count on Casey to bust some stupid ass dance move and crack everyone up. She did pratfalls, too. She was hella silly.

We finally got Jeanne to hit the weed. She was so cute the first time she got high. And the second and third times, too. I didn't feel as if I were corrupting her. Of course not! I was 15! I just wanted my friend to have fun with us.

In the mornings we'd all meet somewhere in the vicinity of the Quik Stop by Highland Hospital. I lived up across the street from McChesney; Jeanne was up the hill from Highland; Angie, Deninge and Eric all lived in the 20's, what we called the Momos back then. Casey and Jessie were over by San Antonio park. We'd meet as early as we could and discuss whether or not we were going to our first-period classes. I was pretty good about cutting maybe once or twice a week for the first few months of school, but my good behavior tapered off as the year progressed.

One morning we'd all gathered on someone's front steps and were discussing our plans for the day. It was sunny and warm and we all decided we weren't going to our first class, and we might just stay gone until lunch. Up on the porch, the front door opened and we all jumped. A guy in his late twenties, early thirties, said "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
We all apologized and started gathering our books to leave. The guy sauntered out to the top of the steps. "Aren't you guys late for school?"
One of us, probably myself or Angie, told him that we all had no class for 1st period so we hung out together in the mornings before going to our 2nd period classes. It was a classic cap, one to be proud of. He totally believed us. He introduced himself, we told him our names, and he said we could hang out on his steps as long as we kept being quiet and respectful. His wife came out and he introduced her to us. They went back inside and we left a little while later - walking in the opposite direction of Oakland High. It was a Berkeley kind of morning, we'd finally agreed.

We hung out on the couple's steps a few mornings a week for the rest of the school year. They'd always greet us and one cold morning when it was just me, Angie and Deninge, they brought us out some hot chocolate. One day there was a "for sale" sign in the front yard. When the guy came out to say hi he said yeah, they were moving to a bigger house, because his wife was pregnant. They were gone a month later, and we found another place to congegrate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

III

We were taken back to school in police cars a few times. One of our spots was at the top of some winding stairs in a cul-de-sac across from Oakland High. The stairs were shaded by trees and were filled with students during lunch time. We smoked weed and Newports and talked a lot of shit and from time to time we'd get fussed at by the neighbors.

Sometimes we'd just stay on the stairs after lunch was over. We might chill there for a while, and go into class late, or figure out where to go and then bounce for the rest of the day. One day me, Angie, Deninge and Eric were on the stairs after lunch. We were smoking a joint when we saw a police car drive onto the cul-de-sac below us and stop. We jumped up and started walking up the stairs, but when we got to the street above there was a police car and an officer standing in front of it. "Get in the car" he told us. We told him we were going to class. He said "You're walking the wrong way. Get in the car."

We were brought back to school and Mr Kreuzer, the dean, gathered us in his office and lectured us and confiscated our cigarettes and called our parents. Then he sentenced us all to a month of detention and sent us to our classes. Kreuzer didn't reward truancy with suspension.

The pack of Newports Mr Kreuzer had taken from me held about ten cigarettes. And one joint. When I opened my cigarette packs I would leave the little foil fold in place so I could close the pack and not lose any smokes. I was hoping Mr Kreuzer had thrown the pack away without investigating it. I went to all my classes the rest of that week and held my breath whenever I walked past the school offices. I saw Mr Kreuzer a few times and we said "hi" and by the end of the week I knew that he hadn't found the joint. I was relieved and the next Monday I was ready to cut school again.

Chocolate all over like an Almond Joy;
joy to my world, if this world
were mine, I could
lick you
anywhere
juicy
you're the one who
makes me feel so good,
cutie pie
you turned on my fire
and your love is
on the one.
I'd rather be with you;
when I'm
with you
I concentrate
on you,
sugar you know
I've had a few, but
not that many, and
as we lay I'm
fortunate.
Before I met you
my sun
didn't want to shine.
Write that down
make me say it
again
sweet sticky thing
why dontcha
do me
baby.